Suicide

Suicide is one of the most controversial topics out there, as per my self harming blog post, i need to add a massive trigger warning.

If you’re sensitive to self harm/suicide or sensitive to talking about self destruction, i wouldn’t read this post.
If you’re wanting to read about my experiences with suicide/suicide attempts, this is where I’m going to tell the story.

If you’ve read my post on self harm, this post is going to make a love more sense. So if you haven’t, click here to read it.

After i became engulfed in my cutting, as an outlet, i became numb to it, as well all do. After a while of doing the same thing, its like you get used to it, then you need to reach a new level to feel it again.

With anything, its an endless and destructive cycle, but with self harm, its quite fatal, at one stage, you’re going to reach that new level, that new high and it could be the cut(s) that kills you.

With my self harm, i was a ’emo’/’goth’,it brought a lot of unwanted attention, i was bullied at school, i was fighting with my sister and my mum at home, i didn’t have any friends anymore, i didn’t feel i had a reason to live.
I was constantly online, talking to strangers, desperately trying to make friends, new connections, something to give me a reason to live and make it through another day.

A couple years prior, id been on Bebo where id met a girl, we got talking but it was only an occasional thing, over the years of me being 12-13, this girl became my world, she was into the same clothes as me, the same style as me, everything was a match, ill make a post all about her.

After she was my best friend, it was like i was comfortable, and i needed a new high again, so i started cutting again, but worse then before. I’d feel bad for hurting myself, it made her upset, which made me feel terrible, and id do it again, it was a vicious cycle that never seemed to end between us.

I’d had a particularly bad day at school, i came home to talk to her and she was grounded for whatever reason  and couldn’t talk, i had no barrier, it was me and the blade that night.

I don’t know where i got the idea, but i decided i was taking paracetamol, i went into the medicine cabinet in our house, found the box, popped 40 tablets out, got my water, one by one, i swallowed them all. I was numb, in a daze, everything was getting cloudy, i couldn’t see properly but i wanted to end my life. I went to my room, grabbed my bandages and my blades, sat on the side of my bed, held out my left arm, held the blade to my wrist, pushed down and pulled it toward myself, slicing my wrist open.

I had so much adrenaline in my body, i was shaking but it was the rush i wanted, i didn’t stop with one, i proceeded to make several more cuts, even deeper as i went along. There was blood everywhere, i was starting to get really dizzy and my vision was going black.

The next thing i knew, it was around 3 am, id woken up on the floor with my own blood all over me. Id landed on my arm so i had stopped the bleeding. I wasn’t feeling to good. i was still very groggy.
I got myself up, went to the bathroom, cleaned myself up a little, changed my clothes and went back to bed.

I didn’t wake up the next morning. i didn’t even wake up that afternoon. i slept through whole day. I woke up about 26 hours later. I felt okay, sore, a bit ill, but i was okay and most importantly, i was alive.

This isn’t the only time i attempted to end my life, but it was the worst out of the few times i tried. I scared myself, i realised in the midst of it, i don’t think i wanted to die, i just wanted all the misery to stop, i wanted to be left alone for a day, to be able to walk into a room and not have a snide comment made about me.
But all of this has made me thankful that today, i am alive. 

If you’re feeling suicidal, call somebody!

Suicide hotline (australia) 13 11 14
Suicide hotline (USA) 1800 273 8255
Suicide hotline (UK) +44 (0) 8457 90 90 90

If i haven’t added your country please follow the link to find your countries number

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines

 

Stay captivated, Stay weird. xx

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