I lost her

*trigger warning* This post contains drug abuse and sexual assault. If you’re triggered/ sensitive to those topics, don’t read this post.

I could have called this my best friend, part three, but i didn’t. This isn’t the story of my best friend. This is the story on how i lost her as my best friend.

It wasn’t instant, she didn’t wake up one day and decide she didn’t want to speak to me. It was gradual, slow, made the aching last what seemed like a lifetime.
The pain began when we were a couple years into our friendship, she went off to high school, as did i but i was nervous, insecure about myself and our friendship that she was going to make new friends, i mean i wanted her to, didn’t i? A sinking feeling inside me kind of didn’t want her to make friends, so she could be all mine, selfish, but true.

Inevitably, she made friends, i was happy for her, i think, i tried to be. She was still hanging around with one friend in particular from primary school, i was a little threatened by her. She was younger then us, but she wasn’t in our phases with us, she was trying to pull her into a different phase, one that didn’t involve me. I couldn’t do anything. I would sit at my computer and wait for them to stop hanging out after school so we could chat, i tried not to be the jealous ‘girlfriend’ and ask a million questions. I had to trust her.
After a while, this friend became one of us, so to speak. She dressed and spoke the way we did, she wasn’t really a threat anyone, i just felt envy. I was envious that she could see her at school, after school, whenever and i couldn’t.

They started smoking cigarettes together, at 13, smoking. I was angry, but they talked me into it. Then i started stealing smokes off my mum, it seemed fun and cool, i guess.

It was just a gateway drug for her. Then she was skipping classes at school, at first it was one class every couple days, then everyday, then she wouldn’t even go to school. I was worried. I wanted to know where she was going on this point. She stopped answering her phone, she would miss the bus home, half of the time i didn’t even know where she was. I had her mum calling me asking where she was, me, being 9 hours away!? that shocked me the most.

It’d been days, i finally got a hold of her, she didn’t seem herself, she seemed groggy and lethargic. I insisted on knowing where she’d been and who she was with, hoping it was someone we both knew so i knew she was okay in their hands.
It wasn’t. It was someone she met that day, she skipped class and went to their friends house!! It was a house filled with older guys, over 18 year old guys.
She said they offered her some weed, she accepted, then offered her something else, then something else, she didn’t refuse any of them. What could it hurt, right? wrong.

As we were talking, she started sobbing, she’d remembered being passed out, a guy coming over to her on the mattress, trying to get beneath her clothing. Her memory was patchy, but she knew what happened.

We had to tell someone. I tried to get her to tell the police, the school counsellor, a teacher, her mother, anyone. But she wouldn’t, she was too scared of being in the wrong for leaving school.

It was only a matter of days before we were in the same predicament again, she’d left school, this time she was seeking out for something to numb the pain of what she’d been through. She found it, at the same persons house, doing the same thing, she found herself numbing her pain and blacking out.

Things were bad with her at home, constant fighting, torment, she felt even worse about herself. As the addictions grew, the addiction to being numb, she started to seek out new methods at home.

She was having a lot of milkshakes, i thought it was great, she wasn’t eating much anymore with skipping school, so anything was better then nothing. Then i found out what was in them.
She had gone through her grandfathers chemicals and started adding chemicals to her milkshakes, any of them, drinking them with a cigarette chaser.

I was scared and horrified, i felt like i was losing my best friend, i was, she was trying to kill herself. I did everything i could to get her help. I rang professionals, i rang her school, i spoke to her mum, i tried to get to to speak to these people herself. She refused.

She started to rebel against me, like i was her mother. i wanted to be there and understand but i couldn’t watch her slowly waste away, i had to do something, everything i did back fired. She didn’t want help so i was pushed away, pushed aside, kicked to the kerb.

Our friendship was online, being so far apart, so i was blocked, removed. I couldn’t even talk to her to know if she was okay. I lost her. I lost my friend friend to drugs.

If you or anyone you know, think may be doing illegal drugs. please contact someone.
There is help available, you are never alone!

Drug abuse hotline – 1-877-721-2788

Small disclaimer- She didn’t lose her life and she is alive and well today.

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