Arghhh. This whole situation still makes me mad to this day.
I touched on this briefly in my social worker post but I will try to elaborate on anything and everything in this post.
I don’t remember the time frame from when I went to the mental health unit where I had my whole social worker situation, to when I went on suicide watch. I went to the mental health unit in December 2008, and I KNOW I was on suicide watch over Christmas so I’m going to go ahead and say it was only a matter of a week, maybe two.
Being 14, I have NO IDEA what their official titles were but I had two? social workers, the one I hated, from my social worker storytime, and there was one I REALLY liked, she was fun, she listened to my music with me, she took the time to get to know me and how school was, and let me talk about whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and when I felt comfortable with her, I would open up about my home situation. I tried to get her to be my full-time social worker but apparently, I needed two and I couldn’t. I actually really looked forward to seeing this lady. I only saw her weekly/fortnightly, where the other one was every day/every other day.
I was so conflicted, I wanted to talk, I wanted to open up and I did with my fave social worker, but my main one, the horrible one, her actions and her presence was pushing me further back then where I was before I started this mental health journey.
It had been a week or two? clearly my mental health was declining, I was hiding under my bed, I was avoiding calls, i would beg my mum for me to not have to speak to her, in turn, not wanting to speak to her, which I was forced to, legally they have to speak to me directly, made her believe that for some other reason my mental health was declining so she decided to make house calls. I dreaded it more, she could physically see me and how bad I was. Noticing fresh self harm on my arms and legs, jumpy, avoiding daylight, any social interaction. Thinking I was showing her I don’t need her help and I was fine without her, I actually showed her the opposite and she believed I was close to ending my life. Welcome to suicide watch.
House calls continued, but onto of that, I had a phone call, every day, to ‘check-in, touch base, make sure I was still alive’ I WAS FOURTEEN, it was CHRISTMAS, my family was up, my sweet grandparents, I loved seeing them and spending time with them, I was the happiest id been in the longest time. But I dreaded that damn phone calling. I was on edge, I was on guard, my grandparents knew NOTHING about ANYTHING id been through and tbh, 25 years old me telling this story, they still don’t. I was waiting for the phone call, I couldn’t let my grandparents answer the phone, if they found out that way, it would kill me, so anytime I heard the phone ring, I LEGGED it to that phone. The calls weren’t long at all. it was just a check-in, a scale of 1-10 of how likely I am to self-harm, how likely I am to end my life, there was a series of questions. I tried to answer them convincingly enough to satisfy her but to not let anything slip to my grandparents and just keep it all under wraps, which is damn hard.
Survival instincts kick in and I tried with every drop of my being to prove to this lady that I was okay and I didn’t need suicide watch. I was on suicide watch for ONE MONTH, which may not seem like a huge ass thing to you, but to me, over the holidays, over summer, at 14, it was long. I couldn’t go away for more then a couple of hours cause if I missed my damn phone call I was getting two people coming out to my house to take me to a mental institution and have me locked up, locked down with no outside contact. I didn’t miss a call, but that did happen, people did come out to remove me but I will make a whole another story about that.
Social worker, suicide watch and mental institution story could probably be one, it would be the longest ass story though, so I’ve broken them down into 3 separate ones.
I don’t remember the time frame from when i went to the mental health unit where i had my whole social worker situation, to when i went on suicide watch. I went to mental health december 2008, and i KNOW i was on suicide watch over christmas so I’m going to go ahead and say it was only a matter of a week, maybe two.
Being 14, i have NO IDEA what their officials titles were but i had two? social workers, the one i hated, from my social worker story time, and there was one I REALLY liked, she was fun, she listened to my music with me, she took the time to get to know me and how school was, and let me talk about whatever i wanted, whenever i wanted and when i felt comfortable with her, i would open up about my home situation. I tried to get her to be my full-time social worker but apparently i needed two and i couldnt. I actually really looked forward to seeing this lady. I only seen her weekly/fortnightlly, where the other one was everyday/everyother day.
I was so conflicted, i wanted to talk, i wanted to open up and i did with my fave social worker, but my main one, the horrible one, her actions and her presence was pushing me further back then where i was before i started this mental health journey.
It had been a week or two? clearly my mental health was declining, i was hiding under my bed, i was avoiding calls, i would beg my mum for me to not have to speak to her, in turn, not wanting to speak to her, which i was forced to, legally they have to speak to me directly, made her believe that for some other reason my mental health was declining so she decided to make house calls. i dreaded it more, she could physically see me and how bad i was. Noticing fresh self harm on my arms and legs, jumpy, avoiding daylight, any social interaction. Thinking i was showing her i don’t need her help and i was fine without her, i actually showed her the opposite and she believed i was close to ending my life. Welcome to suicide watch.
House calls continued, but onto of that, i had a phone call, everyday, to ‘check in, touch base, make sure i was still alive’ I WAS FOURTEEN, it was CHRISTMAS, my family was up, my sweet grandparents, i loved seeing them and spending time with them, i was the happiest id been in the longest time. But i dreaded that damn phone calling. I was on edge, i was on guard, my grandparents knew NOTHING about ANYTHING id been through and tbh, 25 year old me telling this story, they still don’t. I was waiting for the phone call, i couldn’t let my grandparents answer the phone, if they found out that way, it would kill me, so anytime i heard the phone ring, i LEGGED it to that phone. The calls weren’t long at all. it was just a check in, a scale of 1-10 of how likely i am to self harm, how likely i am to end my life, there was a series of questions. i tried to answer them convincingly enough to satisfy her but to not let anything slip to my grandparents and just keep it all under wraps, which is damn hard.
Survival instincts kick in and i tried with every drop of my being to prove to this lady that i was okay and i didn’t need suicide watch. i was on suicide watch for ONE MONTH, which may not seem like a huge ass thing to you, but to me, over the holidays, over summer, at 14, it was long. i couldn’t go away for more then a couple hours cause if i missed my damn phone call i was getting two people coming out to my house to take me to a mental institution and have me locked up, locked down with no outside contact. I didn’t miss a call, but that did happen, people did come out to remove me but i will make a whole another story about that.
Social worker, suicide watch and mental institution story could probably be one, it would be the longest ass story though, so I’ve broken them down into 3 separate ones.
Lifewithlish 